joke thread

got a joke post it in here.
please try & keep it clean.

coles installed a medical machine that for $10 and a urine sample, would diagnose any condition. when jim went with a sore elbow the computer printout read "u have a sprained elbow,soak in warm water,avoid heavy work for 2 weeks" impressed ,jim wondered if he could fool the machine.he mixed tap water with dog poo,urine samples from his wife and daughter,and then pleasured himselfinto the mixture.when he tipped it into the machine the next day,the printout read: 1.your tap water is too hard,use softener. 2.your dog has ringworm,give it antibiotics. 3.your daughter is on cocaine,get her to rehab.4.your wife is expecting twins.not yours.get a lawyer. 5.if you keep playing with yourself ,your elbow won't get better! thank you for shopping at coles

Billy was watching t.v. next day Billy comes downstairs and ask,"dad what's love juice?" his father looks horrifed and tells Billy all about sex and why a woman's vagina gets moist. Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement. dad asks,"so what were you watching?" Billy replies, "wimbledon!"

Maude & Mable
two old ladies are outside their nursing home,
haveing a drink & a smoke when it starts to rain.
one of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts of the end,
puts it over her cigarette, & continues to smoke.
Maude: what in the hell is that?
Mable: a condom. this way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: where did you get it?
Mable: you can get them at any chemist.
the next day Maude hobbles off to the local chemist & announces
to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
the pharmacist obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely
(she is after all over 80 years old).
he then asks her very delicately what brand of condom she prefers.
"doesn't matter sonny, as long as it fits on a camel".

the pharmacist fainted.

A teen boy comes home from school at 7pm,
his dad says "where were you?"
"i was with my girlfriend." he replied.
"what were you doing?"
"we were studying."
after picking a snack off the table the son says.
"these fishcakes are lovely."
dad replies "wash your hands son ; they're fucking donuts."

i only no the jokes i cant put up

as long as it isn't racist james i think we can handle it

thats all i got

a guy goes to the doctor
says i have a cricket ball stuck in my backside
doctor says hows that
guy goes dont you start

Deeply profound thoughts by men

Two men are out just fishing quietly and drinking beer.





Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish,

Bob says, 'I think I'm gonna divorce my wife. She hasn't
spoken to me in
over 2 months.'

Earl continues slowly sipping his beer then thoughtfully says,

'You better think it over, Bob. Women like that are hard to
find.'

Las Vegas Churches accept gambling chips

THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN
LAS VEGAS , BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.





NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS
RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.




SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED
A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS..



THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY
FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED
IN.





THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS.


YOU
DIDN'T EVEN SEE IT COMING DID YOU? -

Not many people know this interesting fact.


In 1872 the Australians invented the condom, using a sheep's bladder.

In 1873 the Scots somewhat refined the idea by taking the bladder out of the
sheep first.

i entered a blind masturbation comp the other day dont no where i came

your a sick man james

That's hilarious!



Scol.

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"

"Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything."

The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.

Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."

There was young man from Longtuckit ... naah better not ...

His chin got a bit dirty apparently ...

John Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock


(MADE IN JAPAN )
for 6 am.





While his coffeepot


(MADE IN CHINA)


was perking, he shaved with his


electric razor


(MADE IN HONG KONG)


He put on a


dress shirt


(MADE IN SRI LANKA),




designer jeans


(MADE IN SINGAPORE)


and


tennis shoes


(MADE IN KOREA)


After cooking his breakfast in his new


electric skillet


(MADE IN INDIA)


he sat down with his


calculator


(MADE IN MEXICO)


to see how much he could spend today. After setting his


watch


(MADE IN TAIWAN )


to the radio


(MADE IN INDIA )


he got in his car


(MADE IN GERMANY )


filled it with GAS


(from Saudi Arabia )


and continued his search


for a good paying AUSTRALIAN JOB.


At the end of yet another discouraging


and fruitless day


checking his


Computer


( made in MALAYSIA ),


John decided to relax for a while.


He put on his sandals


(MADE IN BRAZIL ),


poured himself a glass of


wine


(MADE IN FRANCE )


and turned on his


TV


(MADE IN INDONESIA ),


and then wondered why he can't


find a good paying job


in AUSTRALIA


AND NOW HE'S HOPING HE CAN GET HELP FROM THE GOVERNMENT WHO ARE
GOING TO CREATE EVEN MORE JOBS OVERSEAS WITH A CARBON TAX DESIGNED TO
DESTROY EVEN MORE AUSTRALIAN JOBS BECAUSE ITS IN THE NATIONAL INTEREST


LEAD BY A PRIME MINISTER MADE IN WALES

Tolerance

I am truly perplexed that so many of my friends are against another mosque being built in Sydney.

I think it should be the goal of every Australian to be tolerant.

Thus the Mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance.
That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque, thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque.

We could call one of the clubs, which would be gay, "The Turban Cowboy ", and the other a topless bar called "You Mecca Me Hot."

Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and adjacent to that an open-pit barbeque pork restaurant, called "Iraq o' Ribs."

Across the street there could be a lingerie store called "Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret ", with sexy mannequins in the window modeling the goods.
Next door to the lingerie shop there would be room for an adult sex toy shop, "Koranal Knowledge ", its name in flashing neon lights, and on the other side a liquor store called "Morehammered."
All of this would encourage the Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance they demand of us, so the mosque problem would be solved.

If you agree with promoting tolerance, as suggested, and you think this is a good plan, please pass it on...

Like that Ron

Muslim Band




I went to see a Muslim tribute band last night.


They were called “Bomb Jovi”. They were brilliant.


Their last song “Living on a Prayer Mat” almost brought the house down.


Then this Muslim bloke started bragging about how he had the entire Koran on dvd.


I was interested so I asked him, “Can you burn me a copy?”


Well that was when the fight started…!